here is probably one of the more interesting posts in the next week. here is where i address as many of your long-held Singaporeanized pre-conceived notions (henceforth P-CN for short as i am a lazy person with the will and determination of a pea. and i know, it looks like phosphoric cyanide if there even is such a compound) of Mumbai, and maybe even India in general. if things were perfect, you would feel very comforted about where and how i currently live.
P-CN 1 (ONE)
the whole city of Mumbai smells of pee and other nose hair-curling odours
FALSE. this is, ironically and for lack of a better word, bullshit! the only places that smell remotely like a horse stable are public toilets (think Bedok bus terminal toilet and multiply the gross factor by 20) or those shanty towns that exist along the railway tracks, but then again you won’t be stuck there long enough to have to put your hand to your nose because the trains whiz past pretty fast. and even then again, i would say only about 40% of these shanty towns smell that way. really, people, the smell here is not that big a deal. it’s the dust that covers 99% of Mumbai’s streets that bothers most. for a vague idea of what a shanty town looks like:
believe me, this is a super common sight along the main roads.
yes, yes, Joel, these are for you to back your Indian stocks with.
P-CN 2 (TWO)
the weather is ****ig hot
TRUE. makes sense, because it’s bloody summer time! the weather here is at least 2 degrees celcius hotter than in SG. for those who are more familiar with what happens to the skin around my arms when i’m in prolonged hot sun, it acted up on my first day in Mumbai while walking around at 4+ pm.
P-CN 3 (THREE)
the food and water are extremely dirty
FALSE. oh come on, don’t be so ignorant! how do you think the locals here live? you think people drink from mudpools and eat from the garbage? everyday? woah, i’m kidding. no, the reason i say it’s false is because it’s not that the food and water are filthy, but because our pampered SGean tummies are not used to the minerals and salts and spices that are present in the stuff they eat and drink. the locals are immune to 100% of everything here and hence do not react adversely to the food and water like foreigners do. if you are iffy about the water, then just insist on getting mineral water (Bisleri or Aquafina). Aquagard is pretty OK but people say if you’re iffy enough you ought to boil that first. you might be proud to know that i’ve graduated from brushing my teeth with mineral water to using tap water now!
brave souls like Claressa do exist, and they exist to let us know that buying fresh Sweet Lime juice from a road-side fruit vendor can do you no harm:
best **********ing lime juice i’ve ever tasted in my life!!!
ok i had a teensy weensy sip, but only because i wanted her to have more okaaaaay…
anyway limes are in season and they are the size of your fist!
ok this wasn’t from a road side stall but it wasn’t 3* restaurant either, so i’m considered brave tooooo
likewise, best **********ing masala dosa i’ve ever tasted in my life.
chicken tikka wrap at Maroosh, Phoenix MIlls. yummmm.
but don’t get complacent or you’d end up having to shuffle between these to get you through the rest of your stay:
did i mention the drugs here are damn cheap?
i’m kidding. my friend’s mum is a homeopathic doctor.
and the white powder and drug-like paper sachets are painkillers,
the pills in the browncap tube are for menstrual cramps, sigh, no temple visits this weekend!
P-CN 4 (FOUR)
it is ****ing polluted
TRUE. i will not disagree here, although i think i give a biased perspective because of how many dustbins there are in SG. there are none, i repeat, NONE in Mumbai. with such a lack, how do you expect people to be neat about their garbage? only things not lacking are dust and crows. and incidentally, the dust adds to the pollution, and your nose hairs take alot of the rep for that!
P-CN 5 (FIVE)
there are tonnes of beggars and cheats
TRUE. beggars are everywhere, largely persistent once they come up to you, but also largely harmless. there are even different styles of begging. some are proactive (these are usually at the touristy places), while some are chillax and sit by the roadside. they probably don’t chant incantations to bewitch your family the moment your back is turned, but they have wisened up to the incredible effect that touch has on people. on the first day at Juhu Beach, Nick and I were swiftly swooped upon by this female beggar who used her extra cold hands to touch our arms repeatedly, all the while begging in Hindi with toddler daughter in tow. that day it was close to 37 degrees C. that said, some beggars do try to work for their money. i had the privilege of seeing a blind male beggar trawling the trains this morning, singing his way around the cabins and tapping his walking stick against the poles and seats to find his way around. his voice was lovely, and many of the women gave him 1 or 2 Rupees. as for cheats, i would say there are tonnes, because cheats include school kids, a good portion of cab drivers, and legitimate salespeople in touristy places like Colaba. while they are not out to sell you some kind of hoax, they will make sure they milk you for all you’ve got if they can see you are new to the place. school kids, you say? yes you saw that right. these rascals told us India’s largest theme park, Essel World and Water Kingdom was closed down because someone filed a complaint against the place:
and they speak perfect English, i was actually almost taken in by their story
P-CN 6 (SIX)
the trains are so crowded that people must dangle out dangerously
FALSE. close your mouth first la, let me explain why this is not a total truth. you see, the trains are non A/C, and sometimes the fans don’t work, so the interior is pretty stuffy. people hang out the doors by choice, even during non-peak hours.
the window grilles are honestly overkill if people are going to hang out of the doors ANYWAY.
plus it adds to the heat inside the train. plus i can’t take pictures seated here.
you can tell i don’t like the grilles.
i find myself envying those skilled enough to position themselves so strategically out of the door that oncoming trains don’t hit them from the other track. they know which part of the train to grab, the angle by which to tilt their bodies out of the train, the footing. what MASTERY, what POISE!
and not just the men! a glimpse into the Ladies’ Carriage of the train
i’m reminded of how cautious and meticulous SGeans are. cue MRT warning voices: “please mind the platform gap. doors are closing.” and the prior-to-reaching-your-next-station notification. and when you reach City Hall interchange, the nice lady voice even tells you which train to take if you’re going to Orchard. in India, this is how people mind the platform gap:
this is a bitch slap to SMRT ten million times over. take that LTA!
P-CN 7 (SEVEN)
all the food here is very spicy
FALSE. the food here is spice-y rather than spicy. thanks JB for coming up with the word spice-y! there’s really no other way to express using alot of spices versus hot. my dear SGeans, the way you eat chilli is comparable to them in terms of intensity. but the way they use their chilli is indescribably skillful. it’s almost like they weave it into their food and the overall flavour is seamless. yes, simply put, the Indians are just damn good with their spices.
i am never eating indian food in SG ever again. speaking of stuff i’ll never eat in SG ever again, after eating at this restaurant at Borivali, naan is forever (FOREVER! i am resolute, and i refuse!) off the SG menu for me:
best naan best naan best **********ing naan, full belly-bursting meal at only SGD5!!!
even better than the one i had at Copper Chimney at Worli.
well worth the 15 minute wait while seated in front of an elephant idol with a burning incense stick
P-CN 8 (EIGHT)
people here love to stare at you
TRUE. and it doesn’t bug me as much now as it used to when i was on the plane to Mumbai. when some flight passengers stared at me in amazement after i came out from the toilet, i did an emergency fly check. now when people stare at me, i take it within my stride. if anything, it shows their ignorance because Mumbai is the place in India where the most ethnicities and races from all over the world are represented. furthermore, the North-eastern Indians come from Nepal and parts of China. it shouldn’t be that much of a surprise that a yellow-skinned person walks the streets of Bombay, should it? besides, my local friends all agree that men in Mumbai love to stare at the opposite sex, regardless of their skin colour or nationality. they just love to stare at women, period. again, alot of it really comes from their natural curiosity.
P-CN 9 (NINE)
people here love to shake their heads
DUH. it comes very second nature to them. it even forms part of their culture and the way they communicate. a head shake is usually accompanied by “ha, ha, ha…” now before you think the folks here are all mildly spastic, “ha” is actually “yes” in Hindi. also, it is a sign of friendship and agreement. after a while, you don’t find it silly anymore. you will soon realise it’s a good way to get your subtle messages across to people, indian style.
P-CN 10 (TEN)
the internet connection is shitty
DEPENDS. the internet in my office is damn irritating and has a track record of at least 2 stalls everyday. the internet in cybercafes are OK but then these cyber cafes are usually small and cramp and dark and dirty, like every other wooden shack along the roadside. don’t ask me how they hook up to internet along the roadside.
P-CN 11 (ELEVEN)
it’s difficult to communicate with the people
FALSE. alot of people here speak English. most speak Hindi or Marathi or both. i have a theory that i practise whenever i need to ask for directions in English: approach someone who wears spectacles. not sunglasses, must be spectacles! so far my theory has been 100% accurate! speaking of language, look what i found! Hindi Macs:
i miss claire ong and shirlene foo! hahaha. McPartners-in-crime!
P-CN 12 (TWELVE)
people swat at your bags and pickpocket you
FALSE. if you ever lose anything, it means you’ve just been extremely extremely careless. while we are lulled into a false sense of security in SG, and it’s not quite the same in Bombay, it doesn’t mean that people are simply out to rob you 24/7. just be vigilant about your stuff, zip your shoulder bags, don’t flash your cash, don’t take out your Sirocco Gold handphone on the train, and you’d be fine.
P-CN 13 (THIRTEEN)
the trains are always late and so are the people
FALSE. contrary to popular belief, the trains here are actually damn efficient. they’re never late! the trains here get a bad rep for no good reason! geez SGeans, lighten up already. anyway, the people are rarely late for work themselves. there is a leeway of about 15 mins, but they hardly cross that line ever.
END
did i miss out anything?
i might not blog for the next week so be patient.
peace out!
here’s Alibag! it’s outside Mumbai so we had to take a ferry
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